Why Going Through Divorce Is An Awful Thing

Why Going Through Divorce Is An Awful Thing


On March 2022 Lunch and Learn Event Getting In and Out of Marriage, Relax Teams member Desirae Haluk shared her thoughts about going through a divorce.

 Time heals all wounds

Presentation by Desirae Haluk

When a man and a woman get married, they become “one flesh” with their mate. But they’re still two individuals and may have different opinions. This is where a lot of conflicts start until things can become unresolvable. On the flip side, divorce is the severance of the marriage bond between a husband and a wife and many choose this option for many reasons. Find out what Desirae thinks of divorce as someone who went through it recently, and why divorce is not for everyone

Desirae Haluk is the owner of a marketing agency in New Jersey called Clariant Services. She helps startups and small businesses to have an effective and affordable marketing plan to grow their businesses. 

a picture of a couple torn apart

How Divorce Affects Children

Desirae is on this panel because she was separated two years ago and went through divorce in December. She shares her insights and perspective on divorce and marriage. She has two little kids, 10 and 8 who are very much impacted by the entire experience. One piece of advice she can say upfront is “if you don't have to get a divorce, please don't.” For her, it is the absolute, most awful process you can go through. 

Filing Divorce Papers

She remembers going through 30-page divorce papers every single night after the kids went to bed. They would sit down together and replace all the words in that long document. It took about a month and it was just awful because you talk about in the case of death, what happens with the kids and your life insurance policies? There are too many details involved, like who pays for college? What if the kid drops out of college, then what happens? 

These are the things that you are not ready to talk about yet, but you have to go through. Desirae would compare it to mourning a loss, but the person's in front of you. It's awful for both parties involved, and it’s awful with the kids. However, all these things didn’t happen on a whim, they went through counseling, and exhausted all efforts they could. 

Desirae shared that she never got married thinking she was going to get divorced. The union lasted for 12 years, and they were together for four years before marriage. And though she spent a significant amount of her life with that relationship, she has moved on and she is now with her significant other.

Going Through Divorce

“Our kids are pretty resilient, but with COVID and all of this other stuff that's going on in the world, I think it just like double and triple impacted everybody. I left a vice-president job to start up my own company, two months before I left. It is a huge amount of adjustment for the entire family.
I left and just said, you can have it all. I just want my peace. You cannot buy peace for any amount of money. And I'm happy with the way things turned out. I feel a whole bunch of relief now. And the lawyer who helped us process the divorce said that in 20 years of her career, she has never, ever had such a peaceful couple divorced each other in New Jersey. So I feel good about that, but it was still absolutely the worst thing ever. So if you don't have to get divorced, don’t. “

Sometimes, it's the tiny insignificant, minor thing that can be the straw that broke the camel's back. It's an accumulation of a whole bunch of things. That's how it was for Desirae. From there, it built up. Then one day, she decided it was over.

Books about Divorce

While in the decision-making process, Desirae read a lot of books about whether to separate or not, and one book is called I love you, but I'm not in love with you. It talks about couples not dating each other, then kids coming and never ever dating again. She recalls for the last 10 years they never went for dinner and never did anything together. That’s what happened.

Another book that Desirae wishes she had read eight years ago touches upon the languages of love. It’s a book called the Five Languages of Love, and it talks about how we're not all the same, we think differently. Other’s language of love is like receiving words of affirmation or affection or  gift-giving, but it doesn't mean that your spouse enjoys those same things.

Communication Styles

Desirae added key components to a better relationship:

  1. Learning the styles of communication is the best tool, to learn what your spouse expects or what they want and what makes them happy. 
  2. Tell them what makes you happy. But don't assume that they like the things that you like, we are all individuals, we are all different. 
  3. You don't have to be on the same page, you just have to respect and understand it, and then it will work a lot better. 

Key Takeaways:

It's all about maintenance and work. Relationships aren't there to just be left like a plant to grow, you still have to nurture that plant. You got to water it and give it sunlight. So watering, give your relationship sunlight by dating each other.

  • Expectations ruin relationships. 
  • Don't stop dating each other when you're married.
  • Time heals all wounds.
  • If you don't have to do it, don't do it. 

Divorce is an awful thing, but every single day gets better and you get stronger and heal. 

March 2022 Lunch and Learn Event Getting In and Out of Marriage


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