Mindset plays a big role in a relationship
People who went through a rough patch, oftentimes we hear them say “I wish I had guidance back then so I could have done better” or ”I wish I had the wisdom I have right now to give advice to my younger self.” It’s natural for us to seek help so going through divorce into a new life can be smoother and the grief cycle shorter. In this presentation, Drew gives important key points to remember when in a relationship, that he wished he knew back then.
Drew Deraney is a business consultant in the financial and health and wellness space. He does independent, cost reduction, and consulting for businesses. He is also an independent affiliate with a biotech company that helps the body age healthily.
Mindset is everything
Drew has 3 children from 22 years of marriage. They were only 9, 11, and 13 when they separated. They are now 16, 18, and 20 years old and it has had a huge impact on them right now.
The first thing that Drew would say is “mindset is everything”. His mindset now is completely different from his mindset in April of ‘18 when the divorce was finalized, and completely different from his mindset when they separated in 2015, completely different from his mindset when they got married in May of 2000. In every stage of the relationship, the mindset was different.
When he was getting married, he was not thinking about getting divorced. That was the mindset at that moment. Drew would never have thought of any kind of prenuptial thing in his first-ever marriage because you're not thinking that when you get married. He thought pre-nuptials were like, “maybe I'm not feeling secure that this marriage is going to work.” But after all that has happened, Drew would still never change one second of his past. Because for him, things happen for a reason.
Drew talks about the importance of managing expectations early on which he nor his ex-wife did. He realized people who had strong marriages or even those working at their marriages, have had relationship therapy while they're dating. He thought it was very interesting, though it’s something he would never have thought of. People do relationship therapy because when you meet somebody, they'll have their pet peeves and they’ll have their little quirks and idiosyncrasies. In the beginning, you’ll find it cute and funny. But after a while, if it's not addressed, it will really bother you and resentment could set in.
Addressing early and managing expectations is so important. Any misunderstanding in a relationship is due to misalignment and expectations between the two parties because if one person expects one thing and the other person expects another, you have this alignment gap. And if there's that kind of misalignment, it's hard to succeed in any kind of relationship. So I would say manage expectations early on.
The last thing that Drew would like to add is about communicating. He believes there's no such thing as not communicating, either communicating effectively or ineffectively. And in essence, avoidance is a form of communication. That was the method that Drew and her ex-wife used because they both didn't like conflict. It’s hard walking on eggshells because if I didn't say something tactfully enough, it would end up in a discussion and that wouldn't be pleasant.
3 important factors to remember in marriage:
Drew mentioned that he used to live by the golden rule but not anymore because the golden rule says do unto others, as you would want to be done unto yourself. But not everybody likes it that way. He now uses what he calls “the platinum rule”, to do unto others, as they would want to be done unto themselves. How do you know what they want? You ask them.
If you're always thinking about doing unto others, as they would want to be done unto themselves, it’s part of you managing the expectations. Respecting other people's feelings is very important.
His book is coming out in the summer and it's a self-help book for men and the content is related to the topic of this month's event, getting in and out of marriage.
“One of my goals and passions in life, when my book comes out, is to help men in these situations. I want myself now in that mindset, to be able to help those men who were “Drews” seven years ago and give them the tools that I didn't have. So they can have those tools in the heat of the moment to shorten the grief cycle.”
The wound is always there. It's never healed. What time does to it is it adds some layers above the wound. It may take longer to penetrate and have that wound be painful again. But you always need to know that that wound is there. So if there were mistakes, you don't repeat the mistakes. The wounds are always there.
Not losing yourself in a marriage
When it comes to writing the book of love, it's important to involve the heart as a key contributor. It's imperative to entrust the brain as the editor. Too often, decisions are made with emotion without thinking. And it's very difficult when you're in the heat of the moment to have the heart and the head talk.
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